bootin the tootin

6 months next wednesday!

2008-04-12T15:37:00.003+01:00

Marijuana Addict left a comment on day 15 of this blog to ask how I'm getting on so I guess it's time to give an update!

First of all, sorry for not posting in AGES! My last post was back in December! Yikes. Well the good news is that I'm still off the weed - it's gonna be 6 months on wednesday! I'm actually feeling really proud of myself. I don't miss it in the slightest, I don't think about it that often. The only time I kinda miss it is when I want to watch a movie - that's such a big association for me. Get stoned and watch a good movie - it was one of my favourite things to do so I just don't really watch movies on my own any more. I generally just get bored and turn them off. So what else - I'm still seeing my lovely new girl friend. It's been about 4 and a half months now and things are going really well. We are just back from a lovely 4 day holiday in Italy, that was brilliant fun - she's so easy to get along with, she's tenacious, not afraid of anything, confident, completely un-shy and generally great! I'm learning a lot from her and I feel so motivated about life right now. She's just the perfect person to have in my life at the moment. It also helps that she's not into stoners! I really don't think she'd tolerate me going back on the weed, she'd show me the door pretty quick! and it's not just cuz of her that I'm still off the weed - I really feel motivated for myself to stay off it. Life is way better with out it.

I do have one confession though. I'm back on the smokes! Shortly after I quit the weed I found myself smoking the odd one which turned into me buying the odd pack, now I'm on them full time. I do intend to quit them too though, they seemed to just creep into my life - like at parties and stuff when people were smoking joints I'd have a cigarette instead. So that's how I rationalised it to myself! My girlfriend smokes too, so that deffo doesn't help!! I'm going to a music festival in the UK next month - so my plan is to quit after that.

So what else have I been up to? Well, I did a "Start your own business" course over the last 2 months or so. That was real interesting - not that I'm going to start my own business any time soon, but I just wanted to know what's involved if I did. Something for the future I guess.

Work is going okay at the moment - I was a bit pissed off with it recently, I guess that's why I did the course, but it's going okay again now - I tend to get waves dissatisfaction with my job, but it's okay for the moment. I'm currently trying to buy a house or an apartment - but I've also to get out of debt to before I can realistically do that. I'm working on that slowly but surly!

Okay so that's it for now, I hope you all are in good spirits and keep off the grass!

Biff x

5 days until 2 months!

2007-12-11T23:53:00.000Z

Hello!

Sorry for not posting in ages, I can't even remember exactly how many days I've been off the weed - had to look at my calender there and I see 2 months will be coming up in 5 days! So that'll do!

Well, I've had a roller coaster ride for the last week and a half starting the Friday before last. I met up with my 2 old smoking buddies that had quit with me. They decided to score some hash cuz they really wanted to, so they did. We were at the pub at the time. Anyway - that was fine, I didn't smoke any. But we were going to a party later in my friends amazing studio. There are loads of creative people working there like 5 photographers, architects, graphic designers, artists, all in this huge space in town. They were having their Christmas party. So I went along and had the best time. Such good fun, Loads of people were smoking joints and doing coke and stuff like that, but I wasn't having any of it, just wasn't interested in the slightest. I got real drunk though. Then towards the end of the night I sat down beside a guy I know and was chatting to him when I noticed that one of his mates, a girl and her mate were also beside us. I started talking to the girl, and I was really really drunk and in a great mood, so I just kept blabbing and the conversation was coming so easy and we were slagging each other and having a laugh, then we were sitting right beside each other and talking, then we were kissing. I couldn't believe it! All so bloody naturally and easy!! I was drinking a bottle of mulled wine which I had found in the kitchen, which must have impressed her no end!! Ha ha, yeah right. Anyway, we ended up back at her place, no need to go into detail hear! We hung out for a bit on the Saturday and turns out she was having a party in her place that night. So me and my mate went along at like 2am and had a good old laugh, we knew a few people there so it wasn't to awkward! I stayed over again and we spent all of Sunday together. She's an amazing girl, I really really like her. So the week passed with lots of texts and emails and I got to see her again last Friday. We went out to a gig and I met some more of her mates then we wet for a pint in a club then we ended up at my place. We spent most of that Saturday together again until I had to go out to my sisters for a birthday dinner thing. After that I called into her place and stayed over. We spent all of the Sunday together and went out for dinner and a drink, then went back to her place and watched a movie and I got a cab home.

It has been the most intense relationship I've ever been in. We both really seem to like each other and simply can't get enough of each other!! It's totally amazing.

She works down the country a bit and has a mad job where she's really busy all the time so she's only really getting back up to Dublin at the weekends for now. But tomorrow she's coming up for the night, straight to my place. I can't wait. What a girl, I'm totally smitten.

Anyway - that's certainly keeping my mind off the weed!! Shes a bit of a casual smoker - like at the parties we were at she'd smoke a bit if one was passed to her, but she wouldn't be rolling any and she doesn't have a stash (that I know of anyway!!)

So that's it, sorry I haven't been posting more but I'm all over the place at the moment and feeling great about everything and just getting on with life. I can't believe the difference a month and a half can make. Thanks to everybody for all the support. You're all awesome.

I'll leave you with Ween - Fiesta. It's from their new album and it sums up my mood at the moment! It's a live recording so the sound ain't great! Sorry!

Month 2 day 13

2007-11-29T00:40:00.000Z

I don't belive I posted yesterday!

Thats gotta tell you something! Sorry!

I guess I'm feeling good about stuff! Well I got all these new emotions going on. I'm all worried about this canadian chick - but now I'm cool with that - and as aupermami says if it works out well then great if not fuck it. I can dig that. I've been talking to this cool girl from texas in the last few days - she's really great, pity she's in dallas though! Damn it - I could go for a southern belle!

I'll give my Canadian friend a chance though cuz she's only new to Ireland and only settling in and all.

I was in my friends gaf earlier tonight and consumed 2 bottles of wine. Am I an alco? I dunno. Probably not. I'm still keeping an eye on it. I am drunk though! Sorry. At least it means I'm posting.

Thanks supermami - I might need a call girl- the way things are going! Loads of potential action but none surfacing!!

Anyway I hope I'll keep on posting in my blog - I just think it's not really needed anymore - I seem too be over all of my immediate withdrawal stuff and I don't know what I have left to offer.

I'm just getting on with regular life now as far as I can tell like any other normal human. I really don't see what else I can do for anyone. It's just the way I feel.

If people feel they can learn from my post weed antics well then I'm happy to keep on posting. But maybe you'd be better off reading The Ninja's blog or something? I dunno - I just feel I don't really have anything to give.

Maybe except for my super taste in music!! Ha ha.

Ween - Voodoo Lady

Month 2 Day 11

2007-11-26T20:59:00.000Z

Okay, I'm still on tender hooks waiting for my Canadian girl to get back to me. Still no word. I was getting really pissed off earlier. The mail I sent her was the first one I sent to her own personal email account as apposed to through the dating site - so I was just concerned that technology let me down. So I said feck it and just mailed her on the dating site to see what the story was. At least that way I can actually see if and when she reads my email. So if she doesn't get back to me after reading this one I know that's it and I shall just forget about it. Sure we'll see what happens.

I'm feeling soooo much better now after sending that mail. The not knowing was killing me!

I really feel like crap today - I'm getting a cough thing and it kept me awake last night, so I'm really tired, a bit stressed from girl stuff, and just feel a bit sick from this cold thing.

Justice ft Uffie - The Party

Month 2 Day 10

2007-11-25T23:24:00.000Z

I still feel gross today. I'm a bit hungover still and just not in a great mood. I'm a bit anxious about the girl I met on Thursday. I sent her an email yesterday and still haven't heard back from her. I know i only sent it yesterday but I think she should have gotten back to me already. I just have this bad feeling that thats it. She is just settling into her new life so I have to be patient I guess. I'm just not a very patient person when it comes to stuff like this. I really like her is the problem, I just really want to see her again and the thoughts of her not being interested in me is making me feel sick. I haven't been this interested in a woman in bloody years and years so no wonder it's freaking me out a bit! Okay - I'm just gonna have to relax about it.

I've been in a dodgy mood - but I still had a good day. I slept well and vegged out for a good while in the morning - then I went out to buy a pair of pants and ended up buying a bicycle for myself! I was gonna buy one anyway but didn't expect to get one so soon - aw well, I'm glad I did. It's nice. Then I headed over to a mates house for some dvds and a nice sunday dinner. Delicious!

Okay time for maybe the best band of all time!

The Pixies - Where Is My Mind (Live 1988)

Month 2 Day 9

2007-11-24T23:00:00.000Z

What a difference another day makes!

I'm in bits today after a night of debauchery on the town. I went out last night still in a brilliant mood form the night before. Me and some friends met up early in a heavy metal bar! That was cool - haddn't been there in ages! We had a few pints there and then headed to another bar where there was an art show on that my friend had a piece in - there were bands playing too - that was really good fun and I was quite drunk in the later stages of the night - so me and one of my mates each took a hit of extacy! My god - I haven't done that in years! I guess - I'm off the weed, but I still feel like I shouldn't have done that - it's substituting one thing for another essentially. And the boozing too - that has to be reduced, I don't mind drinking a bit when out with my friends, but I've been overdoing it a lot in the last few weeks. Not so good. Okay learn from my mistakes - onward and upward I say!

It's now 11pm and I'm still feeling like total crap. My arms are sore for some reason, I've a headache, my jaw is sore from clenching and I'm just wiped out. Doing that E was a bad call.

Okay I need a nice clam song today!

Lali Puna - Middle Curse

Month 2 Day 8

2007-11-23T17:20:00.000Z

Hello hello hello,

Well what a difference a day makes - Remember that girl I was talking about that I really liked and I thought I scared off - well as predicted "Wait till you see - she'll get back to me tomorrow!" - she ceratinly did! I got a mail off her just before I was leaving work saying she was in dublin on business and do I want to meet up for a pint? She left her number - so I rang her and we did indeed meet up! I really didn't expect to be going out on a date last night - it was good that it was spur of the moment so I didn't have time to worry about it or get anxious about it! Anyway - turns out she was just off the plane from canada!! She is an absolutly wonderful girl and I'm completely smitten with her. She's a geologist and works all over the world doing crazy stuff. She's clever, good fun, determined, outgoing, emotionally stable, and just lovely. She's off down the country today to start her job so who knows when I'll get to see her again :(

I really hope we can hang out some more. I wish I had been able to pluck up the courage to go for a kiss - I just couldn't and I'm a bit pissed off with myself for not even trying. Damn it - aw well if there is a next time I will.

I'm in a brilliant mood today and everything just feels right with my life. I'm soooooo glad I stopped smoking - if I didn't I'd still be a complete mess! I'm going out now to meet some mates for a good night of fun on the town.

Have a great friday ya'll!!

Okay some friday night party music for ya!

Justice - New Jack

Month 2 Day 7

2007-11-22T13:39:00.000Z

(copied from a post on the uncommon forum)

Hey all,

Now that I've been of the tootin for about 5 weeks or so, I'm starting to see what's what regarding toot related problems and just problems I've always had. I was blaming the toot for being lazy and unmotivated. Well I'm still lazy! I just can't find the motivation to keep my place tidy. I love it so much when it is tidy, I feel so relaxed. But when it's messy and the dishes have piled up and it needs a good scrub it just makes me feel horrible. Why can't I just tidy it up? If i did even 15 minutes a day the place would be sparkling!! But I just end up procastenating, and it never gets done!

My motivation in other areas of my life are way up - like going out and having fun, talking to new people, listening to new music and I'm even more motivated about work. So it's just domestic stuff thats dragging me down. If I could sort that out I'd be a very happy camper. And it's not just the chores that I don't want to do - I've to sort stuff out with the car, organise my paperwork a bit. I just feel a bit unorganised and all over the place on the domestic front. How does everyone else get all that domestic stuff done? Am I just being lazy? Should I just cop on and do it? What's my problem with it? I need a system - any suggestions?

biff

Sorry - no music for the moment - I'm in work and have no sound on my pc. I try and stick one in later but I'm going out straight after work and won't be back till late.

Month 2 Day 6

2007-11-22T01:18:00.000Z

Fuck. I think my last mail to the girl I was talking to was a bit to full on or something. She never got back to me!! Damn it - I'm a really really nice guy and she's missing out. Fuck her anyway. Wait till you see - she'll get back to me tomorrow! She might just have been out for the night like me.

I was out at the Go! Team. They really rocked. It was a brilliant gig. Jumped my pants off! Everyone I was there with really enjoyed it, and the crowd really enjoyed it too. They really did put on a great show.

I'm actually pissed off that your one never got back to me - I really put some effort into the last email, it was funny, smart and just good I thought! Aw well.

I have some bones to pick about giving up the weed and, as it turns out, I'm not improving in areas of my life that I thought I should be improving in. I'll spill the beans later but for now I have to sleep.

okay a weird song for ya'll

Phil Collins - You Can't hurry Love

Month 2 Day 5

2007-11-21T00:26:00.000Z

Wow, sorry to keep harping on but I got the Rumble Strips album and I can't stop listening to it! They are a really good band doing something a bit different to the usual samey stuff that's out now. Okay - I won't mention them again!

Today was good - well apart from work! That was just the usual! I've been chatting to a really interesting girl via email. She seems so self confident, know what she wants in life has an amazing job that takes her around the world and she just does loads of stuff. She lives about a hour and a half drive away though - so that's a bit of a bummer. We might meet up any way and see what happens, I really want to meet her - even if it's just to listen to her exploits! She has got her shit so completely together and she's 7 years younger than me! I don't know what she'll see in me! It's doomed from the start I reckon! I'll just have to make sure I turn on my self confidence, wit and charm switches before I go meet her! Maybe she's just after a fling before she heads off to some other exotic part of the world! Hey - it's like she's james bond and I'm the love interest that will get left behind! That's fine with me!!

Another cool thing happened today - just in my car on the way to work I had one of those deep meaningful thoughts, an insight so to speak. I don't want to say what it is - but it was like those thought's I'd get when really really high. This was at 8:15 am!! What the hell!! Is that a withdrawal thing? or is my brain realising it doesn't need to be stoned to think outside the box a bit? Who knows? but I liked it. If I can develop this way of thinking - there will be no need to get stoned ever again!!

Okay - it's late again!! I'm gonna see The Go! Team tomorrow night so I'll leave you with something from them. nite nite

The Go! Team - Mrs. Pacman

Okay okay, here's one more!

Huddle Formation

Month 2 Day 4

2007-11-20T00:55:00.001Z

Hey,

Just back from that Rumble Strips show and it's neary 1am so this has to be brief! I'm tired from not sleeping properly last night. Kept dreaming about bloody NASCAR and waking up! That's what I get for watching it for about 4 hours before I went to bed!

Anyway - the gig was great. They are so bloody good. They had a really good time playing and the crowd loved them too - it was in a small venue so it was nice and intimate! It was really nice to see a band play sober. I could actually listen to the music properly and concentrate on it and really appreciate it. I think that's the first gig I've been to sober in about 10 years, maybe more! I only had 2 bottles of beer to so I wasn't even drunk!

Right so I'm legging it to bed!

Okay - this is the last song they played before their encore

Rumble Strips - Time

Month 2 Day 3

2007-11-18T22:09:00.001Z

Hello!

Today was nice - except for my hangover! Last night I went over to a friends house and hung out with a load of mates and had a few beers.

Had a nice lie in this morning for the first time in ages. I decided to treat myself to a nice lunch as I had the hangover hunger so I drove up to a nearby shopping centre ate, did some shopping and bought the new Harry Potter movie on blu-ray. So I vegged out in the afternoon and watched the movie.

I currently watching the last nascar race in the season. Come on Jaun Pablo! I'm a montoya fan because I use to love him in formula 1. He's a great racer and is doing well since his move over to nascar.

Okay that's about it. Just chilling and having a nice smoke free sunday!

I'm gonna see Rumble Strips play on monday night so I'm gonna do a rumble strips medley. Enjoy. Good new music.

Rumble Strips - Motorcycle

Rumble Strips - Alarm Clock

Rumble Strips - Girls and Boys in Love

and a special dedication to supermami - Back To Black (Amy Winehouse cover)!

Month 2 Day 2

2007-11-17T16:03:00.000Z

Hey ho,

Well I'm back from the DSPCA a little while now - I fell asleep as soon as I had finished my lunch! I'm totally wrecked after the mornings work! I spent 1.5 hours cleaning out the kennels followed by 2.5 hours of solid dog walking! I'm glad I've been going to the gym because I might actually be dead now from all the exercise!!

So of course it wasn't as bad as my brain had built it up to be. That's just my fear of the unknown that was getting me down last night. As soon as I got there I realised that everyone was lovely and easygoing and I just got stuck into the work and enjoyed it and had fun with the others which were nearly all girls!! ;-) only one other bloke in the whole place! 2 guys and about 30 women! The dogs were just wonderful, I fell in love with a 7 month old boxer called sandy. She was just soooo lovely. They all were though! I walked probably about 7 different dogs (sandy twice!), and it's so funny to see all the different personalities. The dogs were also a very easy talking point so that made my life much easier! I'm looking forward to going back in 2 weeks. I've decided to do 4 hours every other week. I don't think I can do more than that - I really don't want it to seem like a job to me and if I do it to much I'll just end up not doing it at all.

Right that's it for today, I'm gonna rest up and then head over to my friends house for a few drinks and some smoke free fun!

I'll leave you with

We Are Scientists - Nobody Move, nobody get hurt

Month 2 Day 1

2007-11-16T22:30:00.000Z

(sorry if you've read some of the following before I knicked some of it from a post I made on the uncommon knowledge forum!)

Well today marks one month off the toot. I'm very happy about that. But today and particularly tonight I feel the worst I have done since quitting. It's a combination of things - I'm doing my first day of volunteering up at the DSPCA working in the kennels with the dogs so I have the new job dreads! and I'm missing having my ex around to help make me feel better.

I'm obviously going to have to meet new people and interact with them. I'm just not very good at that! But I'm gonna keep an open mind and just try and relax and have a bit of fun if I can. I'm sure they will all be really nice people. It's just a bit intimidating for me.

I'm actually really missing the support of my ex tonight - It's actually the first time since we broke up that I wish she was sitting beside me holding my hand or giving me a hug. Just makes me feel a little lonely. I've this dread feeling in the pit of my stomach and yes I'd fcuking love a joint right now. Damn it. This is the worst I've been since quitting and on my one month off day! Bloody Typical!

Okay - I'm gonna stop writing now and go stick on a funny movie, go to bed, get up and kick ass tomorrow!

Here's a nice song

Joanna Newsom - The Book of Right-On

Day 31

2007-11-16T01:15:00.000Z

Todays entry is in response to a requested update on how I'm doing by supermami on the uncommon knowledge forums.

Yes Boss! :D

Okay so what the funk have I been up to in the last while? Well tonight for instance I was out at a Art Doo I guess you'd have to call it! Cuz it was in this cool pub that has exhibitions and stuff like that. A friend of mine drew this big outline of a mural - it was like big - I can't do the maths right now cuz I'm just back from it after a few drinks! But the mural was then cut up into 24 separate 2 foot by 2 foot panels and given to 24 Dublin artists to do their own thing on each panel. It was then reassembled and presented to the public with out any one seeing it together until then! It was a good idea and it actually looked pretty cool. I preferred some to others of course. Anyway that's one thing I was doing.

Other stuff, I seem to be going out all the time which is good. I went out on a date last thursday - can't remember if I talked about that here. It went well she was lovely but there were no sparks, so we are gonna stay friends possibly. That was cool though - scary though - I haven't been out with another girl in like 12 years!! It gave me a good confidence boost.

I went out then on saturday to watch a rugby match which turned into a big session! That was good fun.

Been out a few other times too and really just enjoying being social and not stoned.

I've been working out at the gym everyday after work. I'm really enjoying it and marveling at the benefits already!! I've also been eating healthy and the pounds are dropping off - nearly everyone I meet is saying I look great and seem to be responding to the "new" me very well. Friends I haven't really been talking to much in the last few years are ringing me now and asking if I'm heading out and stuff like that - it feels good.

I've sorted out my finances - I won't go into it cuz it's really boring but I've a good working plan now and it's all manageable and my head isn't wrecked by it now.

I'm doing much better in work - really starting to contribute and feeling a lot more motivated. I'm not hating going in which is a plus.

I'm going volunteering for the first time on saturday with the DSPCA - I'll be working in the kennels walking dogs, cleaning their kennels and feeding them and of course playing with them - I'm a little nervous about it, but it will be good for me. The only thing is I'm meant to be going out on friday night - a friend is Deejaying in a bar in town. I'll just have to take it easy I guess. I don't want to be cleaning up dog poop with a hangover!!

I'm really not missing the weed at all. I have the odd craving from time to time but I just ignore them and they disappear real quick.

Sounds like I'm doing good, but tonight in the pub I kind of felt a bit like my old self, just like nothing to say to anyone, there was a girl there that I completely fancy the pants off but I didn't even go up and say hi to her, even though I know her and have talked to her before a few times! I just knew I wouldn't have anything to say! I guess it will take time to get back into being able to talk to people freely. Just need my self confidence to be a little better and need to work on my social skills. I'll bear this in mind tomorrow when I go out. Just relax and talk to people!! No problem!!

I've also been hanging with my family more than ever which is nice too.

Okay I'll stop blabbin on! I'm gonna use this for my blog cuz it's late and I can't type any more!

Talk y'all later,
biff x

Of course I'll add in a song though!!

Ween - Push th' little daisies

Day 30

2007-11-15T00:45:00.000Z

Uh oh - it's very late and I'm very tired! I didn't go to that art thing - as it turns out it's on tomorrow. Damn that mis-information! 2 friends called over and we played Tiger Woods on the PS3 instead! I won of course!!!

Had some mild cravings during the gaming but nothing too bad.

Oh yeah - I got tickets to see The Go! Team so I can't wait for that!!! It's on next wednesday - a few friends are going to, should be fun fun fun.

Right sorry, I'm way too tired to write anymore - my legs are going all weird and telling me to go to bed!!

I'll pick out a quick song though...
...okay got it - one of my fav bands! I hadn't heard this song before - I like it, cool vid too.

They Might Be Giants - I'm Impressed

Day 29

2007-11-13T20:56:00.001Z

Well today is just one of those days that I don't really have anything to say. I'm blank. I feel a little blank too. Oh here we go - I feel a paragraph coming on! I just feel, well, normal actually. I'm a bit bored maybe, I'm not full of good mood like I have been for the last few weeks. Just a bit normal! I'm not down at all just blank. It's a weird feeling. I do have something on my mind which could be part of the "problem". Or maybe I'm just levelling out after the initial up feeling of quitting. Maybe reality is setting in that I have to go through life not smoking any more. I should still be taking it one day at at a time. Right so, back to bacics with me. I am delighted not to be smoking anymore and it's all good.

I've an art show thing to go to tomorrow night which will be full of the smoker types. I'm looking forward to it but just have to be wary of the smokers!! or more so myself after a few free beers! Should be fine. I'm feeling strong and have no doubt I can handle any situation.

Okay I'm gonna go listen to some happy music and tidy up my messy flat!! I better find a nice happy song for here too!

Oh yes I found it, I dunno who does it but it's "The Happy Song"!! :)

Day 28

2007-11-12T23:04:00.000Z

Hey ho,

Right I think I've substituted weed for internet! I come home turn on the computer and blab away all night. Is this bad? I think it's okay at the moment - It certainly wouldn't stop me from going out if I had to. No - it's fine actually, it's probably a good distraction from smoking weed. I have no time to skin up any more! Between this blog, emails, uncommon forums and a dating website my evenings are just full of it!! I'm gonna have to cut down a bit, I still have to do the dishes and I want to watch some Peep Show (no not porn! the TV show!).

Anyway - in one of my many correspondences this evening I was talking to the girl I went out on a date with. Did I tell you about the date? Don't think so - it was last Thursday. Met her in a pub in town and it was good fun, we got on well and had a laugh, but there was no spark, so nothings gonna happen on a romantic front. But she was lovely and it was a great experience. Shit - think I did write about this! aw well!! Anyways I mailed her to say no spark blah blah and she wrote back to say - yeah cool, both on the same page. So we might still stay friends - you can never have enough friends!

It was a good exercise in self confidence anyway - I feel that I could handle any kind of girl situation now - cuz that was scary!! I haddn't been out on a date - like ever! I've always just had a girlfriend somehow and managed to miss that first date kind of situation. It was good practice for sure!!

Okay I'll leave you with some pete doherty

The Libertines - Time For Heroes

Day 27

2007-11-11T20:44:00.000Z

Today I'm hungover. Too much boozing last night. We were out in the pub watching Munster getting beaten by Wasps (rugby, heiniken cup) and it turened into a bit of a session! I was just over at my sisters having dinner and fixing her computer. Now I'm gonna veg out and watch the NASCAR race. Uugghhh I feel gross! Sorry about the crappy entry. I'll try harder tomorrow!!

I better pick a good song so! Yes I have it!...

Arcade Fire - intervention (Live)

Day 26

2007-11-10T13:41:00.000Z

It's the happy happy dance dance up up music music day!

The Go! Team - Grip Like A Vice

Daft Punk - Around the World

Move Your Feet - Junior Senior

Le Tigre - Deceptacon (holy crap - try and dance along with the guys! It's tough going!)

Beck - Sexx Laws

Justice - D.A.N.C.E

Justice vs. Simian - We Are Your Friends

Fatboy Slim - Praise You

Day 25

2007-11-09T22:18:00.000Z

It's my favourite time of the week again - friday evening! and what am I doing? sitting in front of my TV writing in my blog! How boring, aw well I've got "Death from above 1979" blasting out of my stereo - they RWAAAAKKKK. and there is only 2 of them in the band!! Don't worry - I'll play you a song in a minute - actually stick it on now. It's down there somewhere!

So does anyone even read this anymore I wonder? Who cares right?! I like writting it - it's a release of whatever is on my mind. I have a secret though. I'll tell you about it if it works out ;-)

As you can tell I don't really have anything to talk about today. I'm just happy. It's a nice way to be. My self confidence is coming back in floods. I feel like a well adjusted happy human now. I know I'm still fighting a fight though, it's getting easier day by day, but I'm still waiting for that one moment when I'm at a party and someone offers me a joint. That hasn't happened directly yet. If I have a few drinks on me too there could be trouble! I'm feeling so strong now though. I really feel if I had a big fat number rolled up and lit right in front of my - I'd just go and run it under the tap and bin it's ass!! I fucking hate that shit. DIE SCUM.

My mate, Devo, found a nodge of hash in his gaf today and smoked it, stupid man! He said it tasted gross and we're missing nothing. So that's good I gurss - at leat he wasn't straight onto his dealer!!

Okay - I'm off. It's rocking FRIDAY so as promised heres Death from above 1979 with Pull Out

Day 24

2007-11-09T00:05:00.000Z

Hey,

Just back from my date and I'm a little tipsy! It went really well - we had a good laugh together, I don't know if there was any romantic spark really but she said she'd like to see me again. I dunno - I just don't have those butterflies making me want to puke like I've had in the past with certain girls. Sure we'll see what happens.

On the toot front - as soon as I said goodbye to her I got a real bad "I want a joint" feeling in the pit of my stomach. It passed quick enough, but it scared me with the potency of it! Fuck - even thinking about it now makes me want one. I better shut up now!!

So anyway - I think it did a world of good to my self confidence - I think I'll find it easier to talk to other girls now hopefully. Dating is weird - I've never really done it before - I've alway just been going out with girls on a constant basis. So, looking forward to doing some more of it!

Okay bed time, I'll leave you with Amy Winehouse - Back to Black (thanks to supermami for turning me on to her!)

Day 23

2007-11-07T22:08:00.000Z

Day 23 and all is fine - I'm feeling pretty zen today, all calm. Well I'm a bit nervous about going out on my date tomorrow! It will be fine though - we've been mailing each other loads over the last few days and we seem to get on fine that way, in the flesh is a different story though. Gonna just go with the flow and see what happens - if we click then good, if not fuck it, it was worth a try!

I've to go clean my apartment now and go to bed early so thats it - humm I better make up for it by picking a killer tune!

Okay - I got it - it won't be everybodys cup of tea but it's a pretty cool song! Give it a chance, maybe listen twice or three times - it keeps getting better!

Battles - Atlas

Okay one more - more listenable to! I LOVE this band and song and video

Ween - Transdermal Celebration

Day 22

2007-11-06T20:05:00.000Z

Ha! Just realised it has been 6 months to the day that me and my ex broke up! That was a fast 6 months. I was talking to her today via email and I asked her if she wanted to meet up for a chat or whatever, I was actually hoping to tell her about my addiction and how bad it was in reality and that it deffo was a contributing fact in the breakdown of our relationship, but she she said she actually didn't want any contact for a while! She still needs to work stuff out in her head before we can become friends - and that's cool and understandable. I mean we were together for 12 years! That kind of upset me a little, but I can see where she's coming from, we're both starting to see new people and it's hard for us to talk about that stuff. I do want to be friends with her and she has promised that she will be back in touch soon and we can still be good friends. I hope it all works out.

I feel fine about that whole thing now - I am zen with it! She'll be back when she's good and ready - no point in feeling weird about it. I'm just gonna concentrate on me in the meantime and keep all my good work going, keep building the self confidence and keep living life to the max! It will be nice though, being friends with her again, she's a really nice person and we laugh a lot together and are into the same stuff.

Roll on thursday! Time to fine out what other women are like now!

For todays musical treat we have Lali Puna with Micronomic0

Day 21

2007-11-05T22:52:00.000Z

3 weeks today!

Well 3 weeks and feeling good still. No temptation. No Inclination. No way I'm going back. I love my life now.

That's it - nothing else for today, I'll give you a sweet sweet song though!

Jimi Hendrix - Wind Cries Mary

Day 20

2007-11-04T19:35:00.000Z

Hello,

Okay so woke up with a killer hangover! took some painkillers and went back to bed and got up at about 12 feeling a little better. I got my shit together and headed over to the DSPCA (Dublin Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) for the volunteer orientation day. As I mentioned in a earlier entry I decided to try and do a bit of good after being so selfish for so long, and I love animals, so thought it would be a nice thing to do - also get to meet people and hopefully it will be good for the self confidence too. So that went very well, I already want to bring home loads of dogs! Called into my mate Devo on the way home and just hung there for a while. Grabbed some food on the way home. Now I'm typing this! So nothing more really to report. I just wrecked now and looking forward to veggin out on the sofa.

Oh yeah - I was texting my Thursday date girl over the weekend and we've confirmed the where and when of the date - so I'm really looking forward to it now. I kind of wish it was sooner now, but I suppose it will give us a chance to chat a bit more via email and get to know each other a bit better.

Right I'm off to veg!

Here is a song from a great Irish band - Jape. The Raconteurs were doing a cover of this song at recent shows! 2 of my best friends who own their own company made the vid!! So I hope you enjoy it.

Day 19

2007-11-04T19:01:00.000Z

Well it's actually day 20 now but I didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday!

Yesterday was good - I got up and was a little hungover from the previous nights frivolities. That was a good night by the way, I felt more self confident than I have in ages and was able to talk to people much more naturally. I met a guy I haven't seen in ages who grows his own and he was there with all his stoner friends and heading outside every now and again for for a spliff - but I wasn't even tempted to join them! Then at the end of the night he asked me back to his place for a smoke and of course I said no way!

Anyway after I vegged out on the sofa for a few hours I headed to the gym to work off the hangover. The gym was great - I really enjoyed the workout. Made me feel a bit better too.

After I got home from the gym I was just having a think about my life and stuff and I realised that this is the 4th phase of me life. I'm "biff Version 4.0". I have at last evolved into a new state of being! It's quite easy to catagorise your life - well I think so anyway. There has been some easily defining moments in my life.

Birth to about 15/16 when I discovered Heavy Metal, Alcohol, Cannabis, Girls and general good times.
From when I was being a bold boy and was caught stealing groceries at about 19 through to meeting my ex partner at about 22.
My 12 year relationship with my ex partner up until I quit the weed at 34.
From when I quit the weed until the present day

So I'm feeling like phase 4 will be the best one yet. I'm gonna make it be the best one yet!

So after my little revelation I headed over to Fiona's for a haircut ahead of my date on Thursday. She's good at the old haircuts and it's free too which rocks! Had a few beers there then headed out to a going away party that was on for a friend who is off to Argentina foe a year with her fella. I arrived there in the highest of spirits. There were loads of my friends there who I haven't seen in a while, not since I quit anyway, and nearly all of them said I seemed different! and in a good way! so that was nice - I guess I've dropped a lot of weight recently too so that probably helped. Had a brilliant night got a bit too drunk and got home around 4:30am. I ended up waking up on the floor of my sitting room at about 6am! Oops! During the evening I was talking to everyone, there was even people who I had seen around loads but never really talked to before who I just went up to and started yabbering away too. I like biff v4.0!

Day 18 - Part 2

2007-11-03T02:07:00.000Z

This is my homage to to UK hip hop - more precisely Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip. I know everyone won't like it but I think it's excellent stuff with a good message!

Day 18

2007-11-02T19:33:00.000Z

OKAY HANG ON. WHEN'S THIS GONNA STOP?

The good times that is!! I'm so happy right now, things just keep getting better and better. If you are reading this and concidering quitting take my advice, and as The Go! Team would say "Do it, Do it, alright!". I'm in such a brilliant mood, I'm up up up. No stopping me now I'm kicking life ass! It's wonderful. Why am I in this utterly amazing mood that makes me dance around my apartment like a weirdo - well I gots me a date with a lovely girl! There isn't a hope in hell of that happening if I was smoking weed.

So I'm going out on a date next Thursday!! I can't believe it! I've been chatting with her over email for the last few days and I asked her out today and she said yes! She seems really nice too, so fingers crossed we get on well! So it took me nearly exactly 6 months to get over my ex kick my cannabis addiction (well so far so good!) and meet a new girl. most of which happened in the last 18 days!!

Man, I like being sober!!

I'm heading out tonight and tomorrow night to 2 different going away parties and I'm really looking forward to them - I never would have before. I really like being off the weed.

Now turn up the volume, LOUDER, that's better, get out of your seat and shake your bootay!! DO IT DO IT ALRIGHT!!

Day 17

2007-11-01T23:02:00.000Z

Hello,

So I have decided to get up off my arse and contribute to the world. I've signed up for a volunteer open day at the Dublin Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (DSPCA) this coming sunday! I'm really looking forward to it - they show you around the place and tell you about the different volunteering opportunities. I'll probably go for dog walking or helping out in the kennel. I absolutly love dogs! So I'm feeling very positive about doing this. I've been so selfish in the last while - it's time to cleanse the old soul a bit!! I just hope I can handle working with all of those lovely animals - I hope it doesn't break my heart every time I go in there. If that happens I'll just have to stop doing it - sure the orientation will give me a good indication of what to expect.

I just watched Punch Drunk Love - it was one of my favourite movies to watch when stoned, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it this time round! Probably more so - I can remember it properly now! If you haven't seen it go get it. It's great. Funny, touching, sweet and beautifully made.

I'm pretty damn sore from the gym still especially around the arms! It will calm down but I just hope it does soon! I think the exercise is helping, it's just making me feel good and healthy.

That's it for today - I'm off to bed now, I've been going to bed at like 1am and listening to music until about 1:30 then getting up at 7:30 - so I'm feeling pretty tired in the mornings.

Here's a teaser trailer for you for Punch drunk Love - doesn't give anything away and you can hear a bit of the AMAZING soundtrack:

Day 16

2007-11-01T00:18:00.000Z

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Right - I'm wrecked so this is gonna be brief!

I'm in bits from going back to the gym yesterday for the first time in about a month! Every muscle hurts! I went again today but just did the cardio stuff. I was just over at Fiona's gaf having a few Halloween beers and we watched John Carpenter's Halloween! What a great movie - Me and Fiona were shouting at the TV! I love all of his movies. So I'm just back now and going to bed!

Talking of John Carpenter - I just found this on youtube! it's very funny! Well at least I think so! He writes most of the music for his movies, so I suppose it's okay that hes in his own video for his own movie, kinda wierd though! This must be end theme or something for Big Trouble in Little China - I don't recall the song. It's one of my fav films though!!

Day 15

2007-10-30T22:13:00.000Z

My question of the day is this: Why did it take me so long to realise my life was pretty much a mess and I was addicted to weed?

I'm not one for "if onlys" usually, but holy crap if only I had realised earlier, like years earlier, that I had a major problem my life would be different. Now, would it be different in a good way? That's the thing - who knows? I would probably still be with my ex. But would that have been a good thing - we might have ended up going through with the marriage and had kids, then we might have broken up and that would have just been a mess.

Was I smoking because there were problems in our relationship? Maybe, looking at it in the cold hard light of day - I'd say yes. She was a complete stress head, and quite emotionally unstable and worried about everything all the time for a lot of the relationship (she has gotten help and is much better for it). I completely loved her though. So was it a way of me dealing with her problems? Looks like it. But I don't want to pass the buck and I don't think it's fair to do that. I needed to be stronger myself and could have dealt with things better. I've quite an addictive personality too, biffy wants biffy gets is the usual way and tend to latch onto things easily and so through phases of complete obsession about things. Then there's the fact that weed is highly addictive, as we all know, and can get out of hand very quickly and easily.

So why did it take so long for me to take action? Well, I guess I had my head buried in the sand. I'm quite good at doing that! I knew full well that I was in trouble and I just couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to admit it to my ex, why? Probably because I knew I'd have to stop smoking and if I had to stop smoking I wouldn't have my crutch to help me with the other problems. So I guess I felt trapped and it all just got worse and worse until we broke up. Then to combat the pain of the brokenheart I really went to town with the smoking. Did it help? I've no idea. Well it certainly gave me something to do and concentrate on. But it killed me socially and I lost a good deal of self respect and confidence.

So what now? Well I'm off the weed for 15 days and I've already got a lot of my shit together. It's an amazing turnaround. Just 2 weeks and my life is worth living, I'm out of that foggy haze I spent so much time in, I feel like I'm reconnecting with me and other people. I feel like doing things again, I want to go out any enjoy my life, have fun, laugh, just experience new things. I've been a stoner, that's over so it's time for something new. This is new - I've never written a blog before! I'm airing my dirty laundry in public and it feels good!

So why do it in public? Humm, well there are two answers to that, one is hopefully I can help other people. People have expressed thanks for writing it so I guess I am doing something right! I'm no writer - I just shoot from the hip and hope it makes sense! The other reason is it's kind of like an insurance policy. What I mean by that is it's helping me to be strong - if I know people are reading this and and taking some stock in what I'm saying and believe that I really want to quit it will help me not to smoke again I guess - I don't want to disappoint anyone. I not Mr perfect obviously, so I might slip up, but that's part n' parcel of it - the good and the bad. I've just been blessed with the good so far!

Okay, now that's enough of the serious stuff! Feels good though to get that out of me. I'm like my own therapist! A crap cheap one - but hey, beggers can't be choosers!

So today was good, no it was great. Work was fine, and I hit the gym after for the first time in a month! Feels good though - I am in bits after but it's worth it. I even went for a swim after and had a soak in the jacuzzi! Nice!

The last few days I've been chatting with some girls online! So there may be some potential dates in the air! Who knows, but it's fun and it's doing a world of good for the old self confidence! and it's putting me in an even better mood than I was in!! Holy super moods batman! I'm actually on a natural high and I'm not coming down!! In your face weed!

Right - that's it - I'm beat,
nite nite.

Oh yeah - almost forgot! Here's Pete Doherty doing the lost art of murder live

Day 14

2007-10-29T21:40:00.000Z

hello!

Last night was fun, I feel like I've been plugged back into the human race! I was actually able to contribute to the evening. I always use to hang out with my friends, but last night was the first time in ages I actually felt like I could talk and have a laugh instead of being paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin. Just being able to relax and not stressed and skinning up all the time. It was great. More of that please! I even suggested a trip to the cinema for today to go and see Tim Burton's Nightmare before Christmas in 3D (which was brilliant!). I haven't suggested something like that in years probably, and everyone was like yep, let's do it. It sounds simple - but it was a big deal to me. Even last night when people were asking if we were going to head to the pub for a few and I was all up for it - dying to get out there and have fun.

Now the thing is, I came to a bit of a brick wall when I was thinking about this earlier. Is it because I'm off the toot or is it because I finally feel over my ex? Having thought on this abit more I reckon it's a combo of the 2 factors. Quitting the weed has shown me there is way more to life than I knew before, which has in turn made me realise that there is no point at all in the world ever for moping over my ex. She has moved on and now so have I. I can see it clearly now. Off the weed and over my ex - it's time to grab life by the balls and squeeze hard! There is so much stuff I want to do, and I intend to get it done!!

Okay I may aswell list some of them - starting with the important things to me that will help me get my life back together.

Start eating healthy
keep up the good gym work
shed the last few pounds off the tummy
get my confidence back
do a motor racing course
listen to more music and find new music I like
find a nice girl

That'll do for starters! The most important thing on that list is probably get my confidence back. When that's back the rest of the stuff will be easier to accomplish. However I might need to do some of the other things to help get my confidence back!! ha, a bit of a catch 22, but I'll start by heading to the gym tomorrow, I haven't been in about a month what with my illness and I had 2 sore knees for 2 weeks before I got sick!! I found the gym in the past to really give me a boost confidence wise anyway so it's a good place to start.

I just realised I've got 3D glasses sitting on top of my head! That doesn't happen very often!!

In fact I kind of feel like Jack Skellington when he first lands in Christmas Town:

Day 13

2007-10-28T18:57:00.000Z

Hey,

Right well yesterday was a great day. I was in an amazing mood all day. This is probably because of a few things - namely I got paid! and I had been broke for about 4 weeks. I've officially called myself well again and I went out and bought some stuff in the shops! I treated myself to a few nice things instead of spending money on the usual toot! So I got some video games, some CD's and some clothes. What's more - I actually enjoyed the process of shopping. That must have been the first time I've enjoyed shopping in years. I was clear of head and just enjoying looking around and browsing!

A mate called over to my place and we played Tiger Woods on the PS3 (I won!) and went for a few beers down the local. All good fun and no tooting in site!

However, I had a really bad nights sleep - I think I was just too excited and in too good of a mood to go to sleep! Eventually when I did drop off I had one of the most powerful dreams of my life! It was basically the end of the world as we know it. Everything was fucked. There was a huge enviromental thing - like global warming had happened overnight but not in a cheesey "The day after tomorrow" kind of way! Money was useless so everybody was freaking out and then I woke up and I have never been so glad to be awake in my life! It was sooo real. The dream reminded me of the 4400 (TV sci-fi show) and the line used in it all the time - Something like "The world's about to change".

Got up thismorning tired and played my friend at golf again and won again! Sucker! Then paid a spontaneous visit to my folks as I was able to drive, which I usen't to be able to do on a sunday because of the smoking (never really smoked and drove).

I was listening to the Go! Team (one of the cd's I bought) on the way out to my folks and that is just brilliant uplifting music to put you in a really good mood.

I'm writing this in a video store that has internet machines because I forgot the clocks went backwards last night so I've been an hour ahead of myself all day! I'm just about to call into Fiona's place and no one is there yet! Ha ha! I'm so dumb sometimes and I'm not even baked!

So that's about it - looking forward to tonight, gonna have a few beers in Fiona's then head to the local and have a few more. Hopefully there will be some nice girls there! There was last night!

Here's The Go! Team - Ladyflash

Day 12

2007-10-27T16:40:00.000+01:00

Hey,

I'm feeling like Mr Blue Sky today! So everybody sing along - Don't forget to press play first under the lyrics! Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra:

Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' ev'rybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day hey,hey

Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mister blue sky is living here today hey, hey

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?

Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, mister blue sky's up there waitin'
And today is the day we've waited for

Hey there mister blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Ev'rybody smiles at you

Mister blue sky, mister blue sky
Mister blue sky

Mister blue, you did it right
But soon comes mister night creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind I'll remember you this
I'll remember you this way

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?

Hey there mister blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Ev'rybody smiles at you
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

Day 11

2007-10-27T02:22:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Late entry today - is like 2:26am and I'm pretty tired.

Last night I dreamt of my ex and 4 fried eggs (sunny side up for you yanks that are reading!). What the hell was that about? Ha ha, I really have no idea! I was pretty tired when I woke up to, and I didn't feel like having eggs for brekkie I can assure you. kind of felt as if I had been tooting my brains out the night before, which I wasn't of course!

Okay I'm just gonna take a minute to introduce my 2 other friends who I hang out with a lot of the time and who were my only regular full time stoner friends. I've mentioned them in passing now and again but it's time to make them part of my story I guess. No real names of course, so I can make up some cool ones (or at least stupid ones) How about "Fiona" and "Devo" - those names are pretty normal - aw well! Anyway, Fiona use to go out with Devo. Me and my ex use to hang out all the time with them. My ex didn't smoke at all (poor her in our company!) we are all still friends though we don't really hang out as a group anymore. Shit happens I guess! Devo would be one of my best friends too. Now that we're on the same page I'll continue, if I can remember what I was going to say!

Ah yes, I called over to Fiona's gaff tonight just to have some food and watch a movie, and she tells me that she has been off the toot since Tuesday! Well - I was amazed! First me then Devo now Fiona! The three amigos are all quitting. That's just brilliant. I really hope we can all just stick to it, support each other, and stay off it for good. I must call a general meeting between the 3 of us to discuss a plan of action or something - cuz this is just to good a opportunity to let go by without giving it our all.

So that's the big news for today.

I'm so tired now - I can't type anymore!

Which reminds me:

Day 10

2007-10-25T20:30:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Today you find me in a fine mood, I was back in work and I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. It was nice to get out of the apartment - even if it was to go to work! At least I still have a job I guess!!

Seems to me that some people are actually starting to read this blog. To those of you that are reading it now. I'd just like to say thanks. If you feel up to it, leave a comment and tell me how long you have been off the toot for or if you are intending to quit or just say Hi! or tell me to shut it or something! or just keep reading and I'll keep blabbing on!

I read a post on the uncommon knowledge forum earlier and I can't remember who posted it or what it was about but one thing stuck in my head. It roughly went something like this - "The scary part is thinking about never smoking weed again in my life" now that's completely not word for word so sorry to the original poster but the gist is right. As soon as I read it though it clicked with me - that's my biggest fear - I'm not scared of quitting, just scared of never being able to smoke again in my life. Am I making sense? I guess I'm a bit jealous of loads of my mates who only smoke the very odd time who don't have a problem. They can take it or leave it. I'm facing the cold hard fact of NEVER smoking again. Never getting high again. Cuz if I do, I know it could be downhill faster than an avalanche. I guess that's where the "take one day at a time" phrase comes into play. I hadn't really thought to much about that phrase before. But it's a good one, and a good one to live by. Even thinking about never smoking again is stressing me out a bit, and I feel like rolling one up! So one day at a time it is from now on. That's way easier to handle!

Well that's my thought for the day!

Stay strong,
biff

I think I'll start posting a youtube of the day! For my first one -one of my favourite Jimi songs - Little wing. Video is crap but the sound is the important thing!

Day 9

2007-10-24T21:12:00.000+01:00

Hey,

Todays entry will be a couple of posts between myself and "supermami" from the uncommon knowledge forum - the original posts can be found here.

Sorry if there is any repeated stuff from my pervious blog entries - I just start typing and stuff comes out! so it's usually things I have on my mind and I suppose the'll keep coming out until I've worked through what ever it is...so bear with me!

From supermami:

Hi Biff:

I enjoyed your story very much. I think it's interesting that you've finally realized that you need to stop AFTER your relationship ended. Maybe you will be back together after all and this was what you needed to do to work it out. Or maybe not, but now you'll be ready for the next girl, and to get what you deserve, which is a normal life without dependency on something to get you through the day.

I have had the exact same problems as you with the attention span, the boredom, but somehow I am finding as it goes on I don't mind so much. As I get farther away from my daily use (it's been 3 weeks with one shared joint last Saturday) I'm finding myself more relaxed, less anxious even though I thought I was smoking the weed to relax. I've also been reading a little more. I wasn't able to watch tv for about two weeks, but that is coming back. I am finding however that I am more interested in the news, less in mindless sitcoms that I used to love.

I was glad to read that comment from mindpecker, I have had horrible night sweats and I thought I was going through the "change" and I'm only 38!!!

Response from me:

Hey supermammi,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I've read your story to and enjoyed it, or should I say got a lot from it. I'm glad you are doing well.

No, I won't be getting back with my ex, she has moved on and found a new fella. I'm totally happy for her, and I wish her the best in the future, she is a lovely girl and deserves the best. Even if I wasn't a addict, I think we would still have had problems, maybe not bad enough to break up over but you never know and I certainly won't find out now! I'll just have to let that go, and be at peace with it. I'm just a bit pissed that I couldn't have copped on sooner, but maybe I just didn't want to. Was I using so much because I didn't actually want to be with her? That's a scary thought, but a possibility. Either way, I'm so sorry for hurting her with my crap. At least I wasn't abusive or violent - I was just a baked idiot in the corner for most of the time.

So onwards and upwards, looking forward to meeting the girl of my dreams now. Just need to find her!! I haven't been out on a date or kissed another girl in over 12 years! I think I might have forgotten what to do, I'm like a born again virgin! So I'm hoping being off the weed will help get my confidence, my outgoing nature and my sharp wit back that I used to possess years ago.

I agree with you on the attention span thing - I'm getting mine back a little now - but just can't watch crap the way I used to! I deffo prefer the news and stuff like that now - I guess I'm getting my will to live back and being curious about stuff again. The news sucks though, why isn't there any good news? It's always murders, floods, fires and war. The world needs to calm the fcuk down and chillout a bit! See - I can still be hippyish and not be a stoner!

I'm finding posting in my blog and on here to be really helping me. It just makes me think more about stuff. The more I can think about the positives of being off weed and the negatives being on weed will hopefully reinforce how good it is to be free of it. That mixed in with other peoples stories is just a great help.

So thanks to you and everybody who has posted on this forum. Hurrah for us!

biffs

Might nick that post for my blog! (and I did!)

and response from supermami:

Feel free to use anything I write if it helps you. What is the address of your blog? I know you were saying something about the mods and linking but I don't really get it.

Anyway, keep up the good work and don't forget to be nice to yourself. You are your own worst enemy and appear to be very VERY critical of yourself. I'm that way too, but I am trying to stop. In fact, my therapist made me go for a couple of days and write down all the mean things the little voice in my head said and there was ALOT that was just sort of ingrained into my consciousness that I believe(d) about myself.

It's not all your fault your relationship didn't work out, sometimes people just grow apart and stay together out of habit.

Hope you're feeling better, I used to get a terrible respiratory infection with bronchitis 2-3 times a year until I quit cigarettes.

Oh yeah, I've been really nauseous too.

and one last response from me:

Hey supermami,

Thanks for that. Am I coming across as hard on myself? I really don't mean to be, maybe I need to give myself more of a break. I thought I was though! Aw well, I have been very self critical in the past, so I guess I need to concider that more and have a good think about it. Cheers for pointing it out.

Yeah - I can't post links even though I should be allowed to now. But I can disguise them! my blog is at

bootinthetootin(.)blogspot(.)(com) - just copy and paste into your browser address bar and delete all the brackets!

Supermami, you really are a supermami!

cheers,
biffs

Okay well thanks for all that supermami! Looking back over my post now - I do see that I was being hard on myself - I mean what's the point of calling myself a baked idiot. Even if it was true there is still no point in it. That'll get me nowhere. It's time to move on.

On the health front I'm feeling so much better today. Nearly back to normal - back to work tomorrow, which for once I'm actually quite glad of. I'm dying to find out if I'll be more motivated in work now that I've stopped the tooting. Heres hoping!

One more thing I noticed - I was watching a Ray Mears program just now on BBC2. For those of you who don't know him he's a wilderness/survivalist expert, and I love him. Anyway, one of my previous favourite things to do would be to get baked off of my face and stick on a Ray DVD and watch it. Tonight I found about 10 minutes into the program saying to myself "hey , your not baked!" and I wasn't and it was fine. I just relaxed and enjoyed it. It was brilliant.

Okay that's it for today,

nite nite

Day 8

2007-10-23T22:45:00.000+01:00

Hello there,

Well I think I'm starting to feel better! I really hope this is the beginning of the end of my sickness.

I just can't wait to get on with life now. I want to get out there, meet new people (ie. girls!), try new stuff I've always wanted to do, get my confidence back, and just actually start living again. I used to have a lust for life, a sense of adventure, an out going personality, now I want it back.

Today has been fine, I got a good night's sleep with not too many dreams I can remember, that spray thing must have done the trick! I'll keep on using it for the rest of the week and see how it goes. I'll post the name of it if I think it is actually helping. I only woke up once during the night, and I think that was from a dodgy tummy from all the pills I'm taking. I had to take 14 pills yesterday and 14 today! Thats a lot if you ask me - it's cuz 2 lots of perscriptions are over lapping for 2 days. Tomorrow it will only be 9! Yay. Then gradually down to zero by next Sunday.

I went over to the local park with a friend earlier to get a bit of air. I was just sitting there and I got pretty bad craving to smoke a joint. That was the worst craving so far. It went away pretty quick thankfully.

My bestest smoking buddy has quit too, fair play to him. He was way worse than me for it. A regular uber-user. This will make my life way easier, I was dreading hanging out with him and all the tooting going on. I really hope he can stay off it for his sake. He really needs too. We will be great support for each other.

Alrighty, I'm off to bed to read and sleep. nite nite.

Day 7

2007-10-22T22:43:00.000+01:00

Hey,

WooHoo! - a week of the life sucking crap. High Fives all round!

This is gonna be short. Went to the doc today cuz I'm just not getting over my broncial infection thing - turns out I have sinusitis now, super! he put me on more antibiotics, steroids and more antihistamines. I can hardly type at the mo cuz my head is swimming. Had a shit nights sleep last night - like 2 hours worth I'd say. I've had no cravings at all, but I'm not surprised with the state of my health. I'm off work until thursday - so I really really really hope I'm better by then.

Right - I'm off to bed, I'm gonna try a herbal sleep helper spray thing I got today. Fingers crossed it'll work.

nite nite

Day 6

2007-10-21T11:23:00.000+01:00

Today is day 6 and it also happens to be the day that I set for quitting the toot! Just so happens I'm 6 days ahead of myself! High 5 for me! The reason I set today as the day is because it's the last race of the formula 1 season. I love formula 1 and I loved watching the races stoned off my face. I even had put aside more than enough grass to use in my volcano vaporiser which gets you an unbelivably clear high, the best you can get in my opinion. But I used that up on the night I decided to quit. I just loved watching those cars go round at those unbelievable speeds and knowing what it takes to be competitive in the sport and how hard it is to do well - well the grass just heightened this for me, and there is absolutely no reason it needs to be heightened - it's an amazing sport as is. So now I'm gonna watch the 3 way title battle clear headed, and enjoy it all the more for it. Go on Lewis - you can do it!

I'll ad to this post later on...

Bad luck Lewis! Good fight back though, sure he'll get it next year! I'm glad Kimi won it ahead of Alonso and I hope alonso leave mclaren next year. He's a big baby.

Anyway, got through the race fine with out any tooting and enjoyed it just fine not even a hint of a craving. So yay for me, that's another thing not to worry about.

Right I'm off to watch the NASCAR race that's just about to start. I think I like motor racing too much!!

later

Day 5

2007-10-21T11:01:00.000+01:00

Everything still in control. Cravings minimal. I even got to go out and see some friends! Headed over to a mates gaf to watch the rugby world cup final, (well done the boks!) One of them being a complete stoner too, but she was so sound - any time she wanted a toot she'd go roll it and smoke it in her room. Good thing she's not interested in rugby! That was fine anyway - I wasn't running up the stairs looking for a toke! The only craving I had really was after a indian takeaway - as soon as the last mouthful went in, I was like "I'd love a reefer now!". It passed within seconds though.

My dreams are getting more vivid as the days pass. I always used to have vivid dreams, so I guess things are getting back to normal. Good stuff.

I'm still untested in a major social situation though. I wonder what going to a party will be like or worse yet - a camping trip with my mates or a weekend away. I'll cross those bridges as I come to them I guess.

Still a bit sick - but seem to on the mend thankfully. Just waiting for my blocked up ears to cop on!

thats it. Later x

Day 4

2007-10-19T23:32:00.000+01:00

Well, to day was fine. I had no real cravings, just my usual fleeting ones at certain times. These trigger times seem to have a pattern, I must start taking note:

while dinner is cooking
after dinner
before bed
before watching a movie
before the 3rd place play off between Argentina and France in the rugby world cup (go pumas!)

That's the ones I've noticed for now.

I've just realised I've only left my gaff like twice in the last week! Damn my sickness! I'm getting better, but my head is a little foggy and my ears are hurting.

Had some pretty vivid dreams last night - most vivid I can recollect in ages. I also woke up way to early, 5:40, and couldn't go back to sleep.

g'nite

Day 3

2007-10-18T22:49:00.000+01:00

My entry today will be a collection of posts form my thread on the Uncommon Knowledge forum.

Today was good, I'm starting to get over my illness I think! I'm in a great mood and absolutely resolute on never going back to the evil weed. Going off it is the best thing I've ever done. My cravings are minimal - I thought I'd be pulling my hair out at this stage, but no, I just know I don't want to smoke anymore so I think my brain is starting to accept that.

Then in response to this post from mindpecker (youl'll have to scroll down a bit!):

Hey mindpecker,

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

With my old relationship I know I shouldn't be taking all the blame. There was deffo 2 sides to that story and we probably would have had difficulties irrespective of me being a user. However, I really think I behaved badly towards her - I never told her how bad things were, I knew how bad they were but felt I couldn't tell her because if I did it would mean I would have to stop using, and that terrified me. She was a lovely lovely person and I could tell her anything (apart from that!). She often reached out to me to try and help, she knew I had a problem, but I think I was very convincing about it not being a bad problem. So I kept on using and escalating the amount I was using too. Eventually we broke up because of one thing, a fundamental problem with the two of us - I don't want to go into detail about it, but it was never about the use of weed. However, the underlying reason on my part I have recently discovered was completely or at least mostly weed related. So I feel terrible about it. Myself and my ex are still friends, it was an amicable breakup. We still talk and share mutual friends. Now I'm faced with the unpleasant thought of telling her the full undisclosed story of my addiction and the implications that it has contributed to our breakup. I just hate the feeling of ruining someone else's life with my own selfishness. I know I haven't ruined her life exactly, but it kind of feels that way to me at the moment. I thought I was a nice guy, which I still think I am, but damn it, the weed can really do a number on you.

I'm really glad to hear you have got your life back and have found it in yourself to forgive yourself for past behavior.

I'm not quite ready to forgive myself, but I know not to beat myself up too bad. The self forgiveness will come with time I guess.

The important thing is that I've made the realisation and now I'm doing something positive about it.

I know it ain't gonna be easy, especially with 2 of my best friends hopelessly addicted too (hopefully my good example will rub off!), but I'm gonna get through it. I owe it to myself and everyone around me.

Thanks also for your head's up on the withdrawal symptoms, I'm aware of them and keeping a open eye for them. My sleep is deffo being affected - sweats, waking up and more vivid dreaming, I'm just not sure if this is down to my not using or my current bad sickness!

Thanks again,
biff

So, thats it for day three. Come on day 4!

nighty nite nite x

Day 2

2007-10-17T21:54:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Today has been weird - I don't know what's causing what! I'm sick at the moment and had to go to the doctor cuz I just wasn't getting better. He told me I have a bad bronchial infection and put me on a course of antibiotics and some antihistamines and told me to take the rest of the week off work to rest up.

I've been feeling a little naseaous today, so I don't know if it's from the pills or is it that I'm not smoking? My appetite has been allover the place too - I had to force myself to cook dinner, didn't really enjoy it, then I was starving after it! WTF?

Craving wise it's been fine - I've had a couple of times where I'd nearly try and reach for some skins but that is just old habbits, I don't have anything to smoke in the house.

Last nights sleep was fitful at best. I read for a while then listened to a cd and fell asleep probably around 12:30 or so. Then I woke up, I kind of felt okay, it was dark out and I thought it was probably about an hour or so before my alarm would go off. I looked at my phone (which I use as my alarm) and it was 1:27am. Woo - I had been asleep for an hour! I eventually got back to sleep and this time woke about an hour before my alarm would go off. I couldn't go back asleep, so I got up and read some of "wakinglife's" posts over on the uncommon knowledge forum - namely this one. Thanks wakinglife for all the inspiration! Then I rang in sick and went to see the doc.

I have defiantly found improvements already in my life - like this huge burden has lifted from my shoulders. I don't have to worry about it any more! No more having to rush home to get my fix. No more worring about how much I have left. I can now drive where I want to as I'm not stoned (I use to not drive when stoned, well most of the time). I just feel like I can relax! which is weird cuz thats a big reason for me using it in the first place! I don't have to obsess over it. It really is very liberating. I'm also not stinking out my gaff, and leaving a trail of cigarette butts and bits of paper and crap all over the place (though I do still have some to tidy up!). I found when I was going to bed last night that I was in a brilliant mood. My head is enjoying the clarity eventhough it's all fogged up with my cold I still know that I've a properly functioning brain. I can't wait for this cold to go so I can feel the clarity in it's entirity.

Talking of clarity, thats another weird point that goes with the relaxing thing. When I used to get high I thought one of the best things was the feeling of a nice clean clear high. This is bullshit. Once you're high nothing is clear. It's a fake fake feeling.

On the down side, I have found that my attention span has gotten quite small. For instance Days of thunder was on earlier. I know this is a pretty poor film anyway but I had to switch it off after about 10 mins. I love motor racing and if I had of been stoned I would have happily sat there and watched it. Same thing with TV - Just can't watch one thing - I keep flicking. Here's where I'm getting confused again - is this the horrible cold thing I have? am I suffering from cabin fever? or is it the lack of tooting that has caused my attention span to drop? Humm, I guess I'll find out after I'm well. I did sit on my sofa for a while there and just read and listened to music. That was the first time I've done that in ages - so thats a good thing - I really want to start reading properly again, I could never do it when stoned!

Yikes - This was meant to be a quick post. Aw well, it's good to get it down I guess.

nite nite

Day 1 - Part 2

2007-10-16T21:49:00.000+01:00

Yo,

I think I'm getting the hang of this blogging lark. Can't belive I've worked as a web designer for 7 years and have never had to do a blog before!

Right so, I'm finding today to be going well. I am bored though. I don't really know what to be doing with myself. I live alone, I'm sick and I'm broke until the end of the month so I think that's compounding the situation. I would have called into someone but I'm just wrecked - so fuck it.

The actual thoughts of rolling one and smoking it is making me feel nauseous - which is a good thing! Maybe it's because when I think about it I'm thinking about my very last joint which nearly made me throw up. It tasted like crap horrible hot burning stale smoke sliding down my throat - this I presume is to do with my cold.

So I'm not really missing it at the moment - but I am bored. I tried sticking on spiderman 3 earlier - but had to turn it off before the opening credits finished - I knew I would hate it. Then I tried Deep blue yonder which I wasn't in the mood for. I used to love getting baked and watching movies. I'm gonna have to get over that!

I think I'll go to bed and read. Good old David Gemmell to whisk me off to fantasy land. I hope I can sleep.

nite nite x

Day 1

2007-10-16T15:04:00.000+01:00

Hello world, Hi My name is Biff, and I'm and addict. At least I used to be up until today. Today is day 1 of kicking the addiction of a lifetime!

I'm sick at the moment with a nasty cold and not in work. I've been sick for the last few days, so being stuck on the sofa has given me plenty of time to think about my cannabis addiction. I call it a cannabis addiction, but I smoke, eat, imbibe, vaporise, hot knife just about anything that has THC in it. Including, grass, hash, honey oil, budder, bubble hash etc.

Okay - Time for a quick recap on my life (I'm scared!)

I guess it all started back when I was 16, I'm 34 now so that's 18 years of "tooting" (Hence the name - bootin the tootin) as me and my friends affectionately call it. At 16 I was a rocker and having brilliant fun drinking and going to gigs and stuff in places like McGonagles, the top hat, sfx, fibbers etc.

One evening me and a slightly older more worldly mate of mine bought a joint of some guy. We smoked it - I didn't really feel anything at all, but it did raise a level of intrigue in my brain. From that moment on, whenever there was a joint going or even a suggestion of one I was there ready and waiting. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. (I want some now too, FUCK!!)

So my "love" affair had started, over the following years, it was very much what I could get when my mates had some, I never had any money - I was a bit of a drop out, on the dole, drinking too much and having a brilliant time with my mates. I never even concidered that smoking the odd joint here and there, or getting the odd 5 or 10 spot here and there would lead to my dependancy on it.

I had dropped out of school in 5th year. I continued drinking and having fun with my mates and working in teatime express making cakes. I use to hate going in there with those awful hangovers. Then something happened, which I'm not at liberty to divulge here! It was nothing too bad, but it was just enough to make me cop on a bit and try and do something better with my life. So I went back to college to do my leaving certificate.

I really enjoyed those 2 years, made some good friends that I never see now, but they were good friends at the time. I did a decent amount of smoking around this time. I did pretty badly in my leaving too! Aw well, life is my college man.

Then it was off to do a art foundation course. This was one of the best years of my life - I met loads of deadly new people, some of whom are still my bestest buddies. I started smoking more and more whilst here. (not much mind, just more). At this stage of my life I met a girl who I had previously know a few years back (I went out with her best friend!), we started going out, little did I know that we would be together almost 12 years. After a year long engagement we broke up 4 months ago.

After, art foundation, I had a go at 2 different colleges, neither worked out. Was smoking mostly just at weekends during this period. Then I found a course I really liked and was good at, so that was 3 years of work. My smoking problem was pretty much on an even keel not getting worse or better - it was just there bubbling away under the skin.

After finishing the course, I went straight into full time employment where I have been ever since - about 7 years now. During this time my addiction has gotten steadly worse. With the inflow of money I was now able to buy my own, which had always been a problem before. So it escalated smoothly and quietly for probably 3 years then went nutzoid for the last 4.

It all started going badly wrong when I learnt you could buy cannabis online! This was just too easy. The biggest thing about this was that I was able to get high grade cannabis as apposed to low grade soapbar hash. I also started heading to amsterdam with mates on smoking weekends, once, twice, I think three times in a year was the most. In fact I'm only just back a couple of weeks from the last one! I'd always post home a load too.

So I guess the last bit of the puzzle happened about 4 months ago when my fiancée and I broke up. We had our reasons, but after mucho thought I think it basically comes down to me being addicted to cannabis. It's a terrible reason to lose the love of your life and all of your hopes and dreams and it's something I never want to happen to me again.

Since the breakup I have been stoned out of my face every day. Was this a good way of dealing with stuff? No. I'm sure I thought it did help. But I can see that it's all bullshit, pure bullshit now.

So that pretty much brings us up to date in a very ham-fisted kind of way to where I am today. I haven't really mentioned the detrimental stuff that tooting has done to me. So I'll just list off some stuff:

It has ruined an 11 year relationship with my lovely ex-partner
It has stopped me from achieving many life goals
It has made me introverted, shy, difficult to communicate with
It has made me fat
It has made me pay less attention to my family
It has made me into a liar
It has made me disinterested in learning new things
It has cost me a fortune
It has cost me my health
It has made me lazy, really, really lazy

and what has it done for me - very fucking little. I'd feel a bit chilled out and able to connect with the universe a bit - but it's all fake. Fake fake fake.

So, when all of this hit me over the weekend, there was little option left but to just stop. So I did. I'm glad I did. Even if the cravings get real bad - I don't give a shit, I don't want it anymore and I don't need it anymore. I just can't belive I was fooling myself fo so long. Poor me and my poor ex-partner.

So that's it - entry 1 on day 1. I'm really gonna try and keep this up to date and post something every day, even if it's just a quick hi. I hope you can find something helpful in this blog (My first one ever!). I'd really appreciate any comments too. I think this is a topic that's worth discussing and need's to be brought out into the open.